By Lucas Fauno Gutiérrez “Look at them, they’re disgusting. They’re proud of having AIDS.” That’s more or less the general content of the hateful comments I received for marching in the last Pride March in Buenos Aires carrying a sign that read: HIV+ AND PROUD. They weren’t trolls; there was a mix of people. From Catholic ladies and men who worship the epic of football violence to gay men who said they didn’t feel represented by my sign. Far from offending or hurting me, these were the comments I expected, because they’re the ones who would rather see me dead. It’s to them that I say: I’m proud.

My pride stems from the fear of dying

On Saturday the 17th, we were getting ready to march among naked gay men. Covering ourselves in glitter and trying on very little clothing, I was busy writing my banner. 'HIV: WITHOUT MEDICATION I WILL DIE.' But as I started, I felt like I was talking to someone who didn't care. That's how I feel: they don't care if I die. Because a budget was just approved that will leave us without medication in 2019. And everything goes on as if nothing's wrong. Who was I going to tell that without antiretrovirals I'll die? Would they even care? I burst into tears. I'm fed up. Sometimes I feel exhausted from going out and saying that I'm dying. That we're dying. Since 2016, when we had our first shortage of HIV medication, we've taken to the streets to tell this story. And over time, we've become part of the background noise of this reality. The chirping of a cricket that becomes commonplace and after a while, maybe even helps us sleep. I'm fed up with being afraid. Afraid of not having my medication. Afraid of shortages again and the virus spreading through my body like a game of Risk. We had neutralized the fear with the medication, but thinking about new shortages is like breathing in the very air of the '90s.

[#BichoYYo and World AIDS Day: activism isn't just once a year]

I went from advocating for a cure to demanding medication again. Because even though I'm not a pill activist, I don't want to demand a medicalized body. I want – I demand – the cureBut to get to that cure, I have to be alive. And without antiretroviral medication, I'll die. I went from fighting for communication that empowers the freedom to use or not use condoms, to going out and demanding that they start distributing condoms again. Progress dies in political apathySo what was the point of repeating a complaint they've been ignoring for so long?

[BichoYYo: Let's live until the cure for HIV]]

March to never wither

Pride is a spit in the face of those who await us defeated. I'm not proud of living with a virus, I'm proud of surviving this hypocritical society that only talks about HIV once a yearI can already see the red ribbons popping up every December 1st, all looking for likes. They exhaust me. For every World AIDS Day, there are usually 364 days of 'this is not talked about'. My pride also lies in having outlived myself. Because I always point an inquisitive finger at others, but that pointing hand hides three fingers that point inward, toward myself. As a positive person, I've created an unbearable constellation of self-stigma. I feel unworthy of myself. Because if there's a society that wants me dead every day, I build an identity that doesn't align with them. Only with myself by my side can I begin to march. I'm tired of being my own enemy. I march alongside myself. Why would a hateful comment hurt me if I've already thought of all that first? All the crap they want to attack me with, I already threw it myself when I thought there was a reason to do it. Today my pride isn't in being HIV+, but in being positive. And on top of that, I make a sign that says PROUD, and the stereotypical gay man, so #PrideBA, has his mind blown and tells me in the middle of the march that no, it's PROUDGo to Avenida de Mayo near Piedras and look for him; he should still be there, shocked by everything I said when he tried to correct me.

[#BichoYYo What to do if the HIV test comes back positive]]

Living with the virus creates new languages, always.To march and have everyone cry all over you when they see faggots with PRIDE written all over their bodies VICHBEAR. Written bodies as a language that unites us, we are our own analog social networksProud to march all positive. The friend shows who comes and snatches away your HIV+ sign AND PROUDLY marches among everyone. That friend who takes your virus for a while, heals you, cures your soul, and helps you see how she's perceived. Why dwell on disgusted faces when everything is full of Proud looks, on the verge of tears, applauding with smiles that visibilityHow can we feel bad if we manage to get this message across to everyone? The provocation of this poster is a great tool for detecting prejudice. “You’re going to infect me,” they say from the anonymity of social media, flaunting their hatred and ignorance. It would be important for them to use that time spent typing venomous messages to learn about concepts like undetectable = untransmittable. A person living with HIV who is on antiretroviral treatment and reaches an undetectable viral load does not transmit the virus, so what are you afraid of? Be afraid of your lack of information; you're "spreading" ignorance. You're a danger. I'm not. They are afraid of my stance; I am terrified of a government like the current one, which was about to approve in Mendoza a code of conduct that criminalizes the transmission of STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections)How are you going to prove that I transmitted it to you? It's very likely that, faced with this possibility, people will decide not to get tested. After all, if we transmit something, no one can condemn us because we didn't know. Not to mention all the laws and international agreements that this violates. And if I'm undetectable, how could I have transmitted anything to you? But because of this law, because of the budget cuts or lack of medication I didn't read even a quarter of the attacks, unlike what I had to read about my photo of me marching naked and proud of it.

[READ MORE: March against cuts in Public Health: there are already shortages of HIV medication]]

Proud to never be alone again

HIV+ pride is about overcoming stigmas and prejudices, both our own and those of others. It's about setting fire to the closets with all the crap inside. It's about letting our chests burn so we can claim our rights. True HIV+ pride is what drives action for a cure. It's about knowing, beyond our own diagnosis, that if one person has HIV, ALL of society has it. HIV/AIDS activism isn't solely the responsibility of people living with HIV, nor is it limited to that outdated 90s concept of 'at-risk populations.' The H stands for HUMANX, and I thought it could be a good way of saying that we are all at risk. Today, with pride and many hugs along the way, I realize that if there's an H in the acronym, it's because in this virus that tries so hard to reduce us to statistics and silence, there is so much HUMANITY. There's me, there are my friends, there's all of us. HIV pride is about never giving up the fight. I am HIV+ and proud of it. [embed]https://youtu.be/KyCdpfWUxOU[/embed] ]]>