"HIV pride is about never giving up the fight"
"Pride is a spit in the face of those who await us defeated. I am not proud to live with a virus, I am proud to survive this hypocritical society that only talks about HIV once a year."
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“Look at them, they’re disgusting. They’re proud of having AIDS.” That’s more or less the general content of the hateful comments I received for marching in the last Pride March in Buenos Aires carrying a sign that read: HIV+ AND PROUD. They weren’t trolls; there was a mix of people. From Catholic ladies and men who worship the epic of football violence to gay men who said they didn’t feel represented by my sign.
Far from offending or hurting me, these were the comments I expected, because they're the ones who would prefer me dead. It's to them I say: I'm proud.
My pride stems from the fear of dying
On Saturday the 17th, we were getting ready to march among naked gay men. Covering ourselves in glitter and trying on very little clothing, I was busy writing my banner. 'HIV: WITHOUT MEDICATION I WILL DIE.' But as I started, I felt like I was talking to someone who didn't care. That's how I feel: they don't care if I die. Because a budget has just been approved that will leave us without medication in 2019. And everything is going on as if nothing's wrong. Who was I going to tell that without antiretrovirals I'll die? Would they even care? I burst into tears.
I'm fed up. Sometimes I feel exhausted from going out and saying that I'm dying. That we're dying. Since 2016, when we had our first shortage of HIV medication, we've been taking to the streets to tell this story. And over time, we've become part of the background noise of this reality. Like the chirping of a cricket that becomes commonplace and, after a while, maybe even helps us sleep.
I'm fed up with being afraid. Afraid of not having my medication. Afraid of shortages again and the virus spreading through my body like a game of Risk. We had neutralized the fear with the medication, but thinking about new shortages is like breathing in the very air of the '90s.
[#BichoYYo and World AIDS Day: activism isn't just once a year]
I went from advocating for a cure to demanding medication again. Because even though I'm not a pill activist, I don't want to demand a medicalized body; I want—I demand—a cure . But to get to that cure, I have to be alive. And without antiretroviral medication, I die.
I went from fighting for communication that empowers the freedom to use or not use condoms, to going out and demanding that they start distributing condoms again. Progress is dying due to political apathy . So, what was the point of repeating a demand they've been ignoring for so long?
[BichoYYo: Let's live until the cure for HIV]]
March to never wither
Pride is a slap in the face to those who await us defeated. I'm not proud to live with a virus; I'm proud to survive this hypocritical society that only talks about HIV once a year . I can already see the red ribbons chasing likes every December 1st. They exhaust me. For every World AIDS Day, there are usually 364 days of "this isn't talked about."
My pride also lies in having outlived myself. Because I always point an accusing finger at others, but that pointing hand hides three fingers that point inward, toward myself. As a positive person, I created an unbearable constellation of self-stigma. Unworthy of myself. Because if there's a society that wants me dead every day, I build an identity that doesn't align with them. Only with myself on my side can I begin to march. I'm tired of being my own enemy. I march alongside myself.
What's the harm in a hateful comment if I've already thought all that through? All the crap they want to throw at me, I've already thrown myself when I thought there was a reason to. Today, my pride isn't being HIV+, but being positive. And on top of that, I make a sign that says PROUD, and the stereotypical gay guy, so into #PrideBA, has a fit and tells me in the middle of the march that no, it's PROUD . Go to Avenida de Mayo near Piedras and look for him; he must still be there, shocked by everything I said when he tried to correct me.
[#BichoYYo What to do if the HIV test comes back positive]]
Living with the virus creates new languages, always. Marching and having everyone cry their eyes out when they see queers with their bodies written saying VIC -OUS PRIDE . Our bodies written as a language that unites us, we are our own analog social networks .
Proud to march, all positive. The friend who comes along and snatches the HIV+ sign from you, and proudly marches with everyone. That friend who takes your virus with her for a while, heals you, cures your soul, and helps you see how she's perceived. Why dwell on disgusted faces when everything is filled with proud looks, on the verge of tears, applauding this visibility with smiles ? How can we feel bad if we manage to convey this message to everyone?
The provocation in this poster is a great tool for detecting prejudice. “You’re going to infect me,” they say from the anonymity of social media, flaunting their hatred and ignorance. It would be important for them to use that time spent typing venomous messages to learn about concepts like undetectable = untransmittable. A person living with HIV who is on antiretroviral treatment and reaches an undetectable viral load does not transmit the virus, so what are you afraid of? Be afraid of your lack of information; you are “spreading” ignorance. You are a danger. I am not.
They're afraid of my stance, but I'm terrified of a government like the current one, which almost passed a code of conduct in Mendoza that criminalized the transmission of STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) . How are you going to prove that I transmitted it to you? It's very likely that, faced with this possibility, people will decide not to get tested. After all, if we transmit something, no one can condemn us because we didn't know. Not to mention all the laws and international agreements this violates. And if I'm undetectable, how could I have transmitted anything to you? But because of this law, the budget cuts, or the lack of medication, I didn't read even a quarter of the attacks I had to read because of my photo marching naked and proud of it.
[READ MORE: March against cuts in Public Health: there are already shortages of HIV medication]]
Proud to never be alone again
HIV+ pride is about overcoming stigmas and prejudices, both our own and those of others. It's about setting fire to the closets and all the crap inside. It's about letting our chests burn so we can claim our rights. HIV+ pride is what drives us to seek a cure. It's about knowing, beyond our own diagnosis, that if one person has HIV, ALL of society has it.
HIV/AIDS activism is not solely the responsibility of people living with HIV, nor is it limited to that outdated 90s concept of 'at-risk populations.' The H stands for HUMANX, and I thought it could be a good way of saying that we are all at risk. Today, with pride and many hugs along the way, I realize that if there's an H in the acronym, it's because within this virus that tries so hard to reduce us to statistics and silence, there is so much HUMANITY. I am here, my friends are here, we are all here.
HIV pride is about never giving up the fight. I am HIV+ and proud of it.
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